Defense Mechanisms In Relationships

We all use defense mechanisms in our relationships from time to time. These are ways of keeping ourselves protected and from getting hurt. When our emotions are on the line it can be scary, and our minds use defense mechanisms as a way to cope with the anxiety. Here are some common defense mechanisms that we use in relationships:

A1. Overcompensation: We overcompensate in relationships to distract from areas where we feel we have shortcomings. For example, you might not feel like you are close enough emotionally to your partner, so you overcompensate by dazzling them with your thrilling social life, taking them to parties and on exciting dates instead. We use this defense mechanism to make up for areas of insecurity and to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

A2. Rationalization: Rationalization is a way of making excuses to avoid getting hurt. We might rationalize being with the wrong person because we don’t feel strong enough to be on our own. Or, we might rationalize getting dumped by telling ourselves that we didn’t really like them that much, instead of admitting how much it hurts.

A3. Emotional Unavailability: This is where we put up walls around our emotions to avoid letting our partners get too close. We use this defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt. Using this defense mechanism is problematic because it means that you won’t ever let your partner in to see your true emotional self and as a result you won’t ever be able to be truly close to them.

A4. Acting Out: This defense mechanism employs actions to distract from our emotions. For example, we might distract from being hurt by a breakup by having a series of one-night stands. Or, we might act out by cheating on our partner, to distract from being hurt by them or afraid of losing them. This defense mechanism focuses on doing things externally to protect what’s going on with our emotions.

A5. Avoidance: Avoidance is a defense mechanism that is commonly used when we don’t know how to deal with a conflict or argument. We might get in a fight with our boyfriend or girlfriend and instead of talking to them about it, we will instead avoid their calls or pretend to be busy. We are simply avoiding a situation that might be painful or embarrassing. Avoidance is a short-term defense mechanism because sooner or later we end up having to deal with the problem.

A6. Showiness: This is a defense mechanism that distracts our partners from our feelings of inadequacy. We might not feel that we have enough to offer on our own, so we turn to showiness to dazzle people with extravagant dates, gifts and other gestures. Showiness is a distraction technique that keeps our partners from seeing what’s underneath all the smoke and mirrors.

A7. Denial: This defense mechanism is essentially any way in which we ignore a problem or issue in our relationship, in order to avoid dealing with it. We often find it easier to pretend that nothing is wrong instead of dealing with the situation, which could potentially be hurtful.