5 Death Secrets Revealed by a Nurse
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients
were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared.
I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow
a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for
growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions,
as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually
acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though,
every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything
they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the
most common five:
1. I
wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others
expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people
realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy
to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even
a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they
had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of
your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too
late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I
wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They
missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also
spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the
female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply
regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious
choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you
do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open
to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I
wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep
peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses
relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However,
although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking
honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier
level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life.
Either way, you win.
4. I
wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of
old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track
them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let
golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about
not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses
their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let
friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the
physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial
affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true
importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of
those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this
task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all
that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I
wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise
until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns
and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their
emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending
to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they
longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are
on your deathbed, what others think of
you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile
again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously,
choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness
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