Here are 20 Wonderful Ways to Overcome Shyness, only for
the Psychtronics viewers...
Have you trouble with your shyness. Don’t bother about
after reading this articled you feel freem from shyness. Can you remember the
last time you stepped into a room full of strangers and felt that
self-conscious and awkward feeling rush over you? Or that heart thumping moment
when you wanted to ask someone on a date, but were too shy to do so? Or wanting
to approach someone for business, but was too hesitant to actually do it? That
anxiety in the pit of your stomach in social situations? Does it always feel
like something is holding you back?
Regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted,
we can all relate to that feeling of shyness at some point in our lives.
Socially, we tend to have the misconception that only introverts experience
shyness, but that is not true. Shyness has more to do with being uncomfortable
with one’s self, especially around other people.
This article is the result of collaboration between
Amanda Linehan, an introvert, and Tina Su, an extravert. Together, we wanted to
shed some light on the topic of shyness in a collective perspective from both
extremes. We will also share the ways that we used to turn shyness into
personal empowerment.
The
Three Components of Shyness
According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness
Research Institute, shyness has three components:
Excessive
Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself,
particularly in social situations.
Excessive
Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
Excessive
Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to
all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.
Can you relate? When you are experiencing shyness, can
you fit your state of mind into one or more of the above categories? We sure
can.
Why Do We Experience Shyness?
We all experience shyness differently and on varying
degrees. However, root cause can be boiled down to one of the following
reasons:
1.
Weak Self Image
This is especially true to our experiences in high
school. We would believe in the fallacy that our unique qualities were not
interesting, cool or worthy of anyone’s admiration.We would try to fit in with
everyone else, resulting in us not feeling like ourselves.
Amanda: Looking back I’m not even sure I knew what my
unique abilities were, I just knew that everybody else seemed to be a cooler,
more interesting person than I was, so I tried to imitate them…poorly.:)
Tina: I thought of myself as cool, because I was loud,
and worked very hard at keeping that image. It was of course, a false image
that I worked hard to keep. It was exhausting and I was exceedingly self
conscious. Even though people didn’t view me as shy, but I felt shy most of the
time with a lot of built up anxiety. Turns out, the ‘cool’ kids themselves have
weak self images and wanted to fit in with everyone else.
2.
Pre-occupation with Self
When we’re around other people, we become extremely
sensitive to what we’re doing, as if we’ve been put on center stage. This
creates anxiety and makes us question our every move. Our focus centers around
ourselves and particularly on “what I was doing wrong”. This can cause a
downward spiral.
Amanda: Coupled with a weak self image,I didn’t thinkIwas
doing anything right! And this would start a cycle that I couldn’t get out of.
What I understand now is that is that most people are not looking at me with
the detail thatI was looking at myself.
Tina: I too was very sensitive to my every move around
other people. My senses were heightened to the way I talked, walked, laughed,
etc. My focus was on how to not screw up in front of other people, and this
made me very nervous. What I understand now is that everyone is so caught up
with their own insecurities that they hardly notice yours.
3.
Labeling
When we label ourselves as a shy person, we
psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. We may say to
ourselves, “I am a shy person, than it must be true that I am shy. This is how
I am, and this is the way things are.” When we label something, that thing has
the perception of being fixed and therefore we must live up to the expectations
of the labeling.
Amanda: I was known by others as a shy person, or a quiet
person, and this perception held me captive at times. People expected me to be
a certain way and so I was. And knowing that other people regarded me as shy,
in addition to my not wanting to be shy, resulted in great anxiety when I was
with people. I really wanted to show myself to others when I was around them,
but it was easy to simply go along with what others expected from me.
Tina: Deep down, I felt the anxieties from shyness often,
yet, when I’m around people, I had to live up to the expectations that I wasn’t
shy. My experiences with shyness would manifest in unusual ways, like when I’m
ordering food, when I call someone on the phone, or speak to strangers. I would
never let that side of myself show, but I do experience it. In those moments, I
can hear myself say, ‘I am shy.’
How
to Overcome Shyness
We’ve both experienced different variations of shyness,
and through practice and increased awareness we have both overcome this. The
following are tips that have helped us overcome this uncomfortable feeling.
1.
Understand Your Shyness
Seek to understand your unique brand of shyness and how
that manifests in your life. Understand what situation triggers this feeling?
And what are you concerned with at that point?
2.
Turning Self Consciousness into Self Awareness
Recognize that the world is not looking at you. Besides,
most people are too busy looking at themselves. Instead of watching yourself as
if you are other people, bring your awareness inwards. Armed with your
understanding of what makes you shy, seek within yourself and become the observing
presence of your thoughts. Self awareness is the first step towards any change
or life improvement.
3.
Find Your Strengths
We all have unique qualities and different ways of
expressing ourselves. It’s important to know and fully accept the things we do
well, even if they differ from the norm. If everyone was the same, the world
would be a pretty boring place.
Find something you are good at and focus on doing it. An
identifiable strength will boost your natural self esteem and your ego, helping
you better identify with yourself. It is a short term fix, but will give you
the confidence you need to break your self-imposed barrier of fear.
See how your unique strength gives you an advantage. For
example, Amanda is a naturally quiet person who prefers to spend time alone.
She learned that she listens better than others and notices things that others
miss in conversations. She also discovered that her alone time has given her a
better understanding of herself.
4.
Learn to Like Yourself
Practice appreciating yourself and liking the unique
expression that is you. Write a love letter to yourself, do things you enjoy,
give gratitude for your body and its effortless functions, spend quality time
getting to know yourself, go on a self-date.
5.
Not Conforming
Trying to fit in like everyone else is exhausting and not
very much fun. Understand that it is okay to be different. In fact, underlying
popular kid’s public displays of coolness, they too are experiencing
insecurities, self-consciousness, and awkwardness. Accept that you may not be
perceived as the most popular social butterfly, and you may not want to be
either. At the end of the day, being popular will not make you happy. Accepting
your unique qualities can set you free.
6.
Focus on Other People
Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social
situations, focus on other people and what they have to say. Become interested
in learning about others, and probe them to talk about themselves. You can try
pondering the question while interacting: What is it about this person that I
like?
7.
Releasing Anxiety through Breath
Anxiety and fear can feel overwhelming if you are
practicing to become more assertive in order to overcome this fear.
One simple technique to calm this anxiety into manageable
bites is taking deep breaths with your eyes closed, while concentrating on just
your breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly while clearing out all thoughts.
Another technique is from yoga: counting as you inhale
and then as you exhale. Slowly leveling out your inhale and exhale duration.
Example, 4 count for in and 4 for out. Once your breaths are leveled, add an
extra count during your exhale. This means slowing down your exhale by just a
tad as compared to your inhale. Continue for a few minutes until you are
comfortable, than add another count to your exhale. You can easily do this in
the bathroom, or in a spare room of when you need it.
8.
Releasing Anxiety through Movement
One way of viewing anxiety is that it is blocked energy
that needs to be released. We can release this energy through physical
movement.
Exercises like jogging or walking will help to re-channel
some of the blocked energies, but also helps by pulling you out of the
situation and shifts your state of mind. This refreshed state of mind will help
by adding perspectives to things.
Another effective technique is a simple muscle
meditation/exercise. Sit down or lie down. Bring awareness to every part of
your body, starting from your toes and moving up your body to the top of your
head. At every part of your body, tighten the muscles at the center of
awareness for 3-5 seconds, and then relax. Repeat this until you get to the top
of your head. Remember to breathe.
9.
Visualization
Visualizing yourself in the situation as a confident and
happy person helps to shape your perception of yourself when you are actually
in the situation. Close your eyes, sit back somewhere relaxing, listen to some
relaxing music, imagine yourself in a scene or situation and see yourself the
way you would like to be. In this scene, how do you feel? What do you hear? Do
you smell anything? Are you moving? What do you see? Get all your senses
involved to make it real.
10.
Affirmation
Words can carry incredible energy. What we repeatedly
tell ourselves, gets heard by our unconscious mind, and it acts accordingly. If
we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are incapable, and too shy to do anything,
we will become increasingly aware of evidence to back up this ‘fact’, and our
actions will always match what we tell ourselves. Similarly, if we repeatedly
tell ourselves that we are capable, confident, and wonderful human beings, our
unconscious mind will likely surface the awareness that gives evidence to this
new ‘fact’. While, we can’t lie to ourselves, positive visualization and
affirmation are helpful in placing us along the road of positive thought
patterns.
11.
Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation
When we leave shy situations, what we are really doing is
reinforcing our shyness. Instead, face the situation square in the face. Turn
the fearful situation into a place of introspection and personal growth. Become
the observer and dig into yourself, answer the questions: why do I feel this
way? What caused me to feel this way? Can there be an alternative explanation
to what is happening?
12.
Accept Rejection
Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and
learning to not take it personally. Remember, you are not alone and we all
experience rejections. It is part of life and part of the learning process. The
key lies in how you handle rejections when they come. It helps to be mentally
prepared before they happen:
Never take it personally. It was not your fault. It just
wasn’t meant to be. The scenario was not the best fit for you.
Find the lesson – what did you learn? There is a lesson
ingrained in every situation. And through these life lessons lies the potential
for you to become a better person, a stronger person. Nothing is lost if you
can find the lesson. See these as the blessings in disguise.
Move on. Recognize that when you fall into self-pity, you
are not moving forward. Nothing will be changed from your self-pity. When you
start to recognize this, it becomes clear that only energy is wasted while we
feed to our problem-seeking ego. Pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and move
on to the next thing. Try again, try again, try again. It will pay off!
13.
Relinquish Perfectionism
When we compare ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves
with the most popular person in the room or we compare ourselves with
celebrities we see on TV. We set excessive expectations by comparing ourselves
unreasonably to people unlike ourselves and wonder “why can’t I be that?” We
carry with us a vision of another’s perfection and expect ourselves to fit that
exact mold. And when we don’t fit, we beat ourselves up for it, wondering why
we are such failures. You see, the problem lies in our emphasis on fitting into
a vision we have created in our minds, which is not us. Let go of this perfect
image, create visions of yourself out of the Being from who you are, naturally;
and let that expression flow, naturally.
14.
Stop Labeling Yourself
Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are you, you
are unique, and you are beautiful. Can’t we just leave it at that?
15.
Practice Social Skills
Like any other skill, social skills can be cultivated
through practice and experience. The more you put yourself out there, the
easier it becomes next time. If you have a hard time knowing what to say, you
can practice what to say ahead of time.
16.
Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations
Sometimes, it is not the social skills we lack, but
rather the lack of self confidence that we may succeed, and a heightened fear
that we will fail. Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help
to desensitize your fear towards the situation. The more you force yourself to
face it, and to experience it completely, you will realize that it is not that
bad after all. It may be hard for your ego to accept at first, but quickly you
will find that you can just laugh and enjoy it.
17.
The Three Questions
During social settings where you may experience
nervousness, periodically ask yourself the following three questions. Doing so
will distract yourself from more self-destructive thoughts. Make it your
mantra:
Am I breathing?
Am I relaxed?
Am I moving with grace?
18.
What is Comfortable for You?
Going to bars and clubs isn’t for everyone, and that’s
okay. Understand what feels comfortable for you, and find people, communities
and activities which bring out the best in you. You can be just as equally
social in settings that you connect with on a personal level, than the popular
social settings. You don’t have to be doing what “everyone” else is doing.
Besides, everyone else isn’t necessarily happy, despite your perception as
such.
19.
Focus on the Moment
Becoming mindful of what you’re doing, regardless of what
you’re doing, will take focus away from the self. When you are having a
conversation, forget about how you look, focus on the words, fall into the
words, become absorbed in the words. The tones. The expression. Appreciate it
and give gratitude for it.
20.
Seek and Record Your Successes
As you overcome this condition we’ve been labeling as
shyness, you will have many wins and realizations about yourself. You will gain
insights into the truth behind social scenarios. You will start to view
yourself differently and come to recognize that you can become comfortable and
confident. When these wins and realizations happen, make sure to keep a
notebook and write them down. Keeping a journal of your successes will not only
boost self confidence, but also shift your focus towards something that can
benefit you.
What are some of your moments of shyness? What did you do
to overcome them? If you haven’t overcome them, why do you think that is the
case & what can you do about it next time? See you in the comments! :)
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