Here
are three skills that I think are definitely worth considering to help you have
a healthy understanding. For most people these skills don't come too easily,
but they can be learned and worked on. I
think you'll find they will make a big difference, and will help you have a
positive impact on your relationship.
1. Affinity
Affinity
refers to being able to step into another person’s shoes and understand their
experience and point of view so that you can gain an appreciation of how they
feel, and then step out again. Of course, you also have to be able to convey
your insights to that person accurately for them to benefit from your efforts
at understanding.
Affinity
requires a Jedi mind trick of sorts: You have to close your eyes and literally
imagine being the other person. You have to get a sense of their perspective,
their reality, their priorities, their expectations, their assumptions, and
their concerns. Only then should you introduce the current pressing situation
into the scene and imagine how the other person perceives the situation and how
they might feel about it.
Affinity
is a crucial relationship skill in and of itself, but it is also related to the
next essential relationship skill. . .
2. Hysterical Proof
When
your spouse or partner is angry or upset with you, the last thing you might
think to do is fan the flames by telling them they have every right to feel the
way they do. But when you convey that exact message—from a place of sympathy
and understanding—something magical happens. Rather than inciting their sadness
or fury or fuelling their fire, your message of emotional validation can
actually douse the flame.
Why
does this paradoxical result occur?
Hysterical
Proof is something we all seek and crave, typically far more than we realize.
When we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed or hurt, the thing we want
most is for our partner to "get it," to understand why we feel the
way we do. We want them to validate our feelings by conveying their
understanding to us with a generous dollop of sympathy.
When they do so accurately—which requires employing Affinity —the relief and catharsis we experience is tremendous. We can then attain an authentic visceral "release" and begin to let go some of the feelings we've built up. Taking a leap of faith and conveying emotional validation to your partner, especially in the midst of an argument, can actually calm things down and allow warmer feelings to return.
When they do so accurately—which requires employing Affinity —the relief and catharsis we experience is tremendous. We can then attain an authentic visceral "release" and begin to let go some of the feelings we've built up. Taking a leap of faith and conveying emotional validation to your partner, especially in the midst of an argument, can actually calm things down and allow warmer feelings to return.
Hysterical
Proof and Affinity are hugely important relationship skills in and of
themselves. They are augmented by the third essential relationship skill on our
list. . .
3. Attention and Comity
Couples
consistently underestimate the impact small gestures of consideration can have
on the tone and dynamics of their relationship. I’ve seen time and again how
leaving a nice card, bringing flowers, allowing the other person to sleep in,
preparing a favorite meal, offering a kind word or an affectionate hug, or
introducing a soft and loving tone, can quickly put a stop to a tense and
negative dynamic and return the relationship to a positive communication track.
Obviously,
flowers or a hug cannot undo every hurt. But when things get tense, civility,
good will, and consideration are too often replaced by tension, impatience, and
negativity. One person treats the other poorly, which makes that partner feel
less considerate as well—and on and on the vicious cycle goes.
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