The 5 love languages and how to use them
We’ve all had relationships where we felt we just didn’t
“speak the same language” as our partners. Somehow, despite all the best
intentions, our messages crossed or never seemed to land. Misunderstandings,
miscommunication, and hurt feelings built up until the relationship was forced
to end, not because of a lack of love, but because we and/or our partners were
not feeling loved.
Understanding the five “love languages” put forward in a
series of books by Dr. Gary Chapman can help you save such a relationship, if
you are in one, or avoid the pain and frustration of all those mixed messages,
if you’re starting a new one. Not only applicable to romantic relationships,
the five love languages are also relevant to platonic relationships, whether
with family, friends, or coworkers. If you can identify your own love language,
as well as that of the other person, you can communicate your affection and
appreciation much more effectively, leading to a happier, more fulfilling
relationship for the both of you.
The five love languages, as set forth by Dr. Chapman, are as
follows:
1. Words
of Affirmation
Positive verbal reinforcement. If this is your love
language, you feel wonderful when someone gives you a genuine compliment. You
may feel insecure without encouragement or regular expressions of approval. You
feel loved when your partner expresses appreciation for the small things you
do.
2. Quality
Time
Periods where you have complete attention. If quality time
is your primary love language, you feel neglected without time spent
specifically focused on each other, or doing something together that you love
to do. You enjoy sharing things you love with others, and feel special when
someone else includes you in something they are passionate about.
3. Receiving
Gifts
Physical or visual symbols of affection. If receiving gifts
makes you feel loved, that does not mean you are superficial. Some people
simply respond to tangible illustrations of the love in a relationship.
Different from being a “gold digger,” someone who speaks this love language
appreciates thoughtful, personal gifts, not necessarily dependent on price. A
home-made card or tiny trinket can speak volumes, if well-chosen and suited to
the recipient.
4. Acts
of Service
Doing things for a loved one. If this is your dominant love
language, you feel loved when someone goes out of their way to make things more
pleasant or smooth for you. Examples include: doing chores, cooking dinner,
taking care of something that would normally be your responsibility, chipping
in without being asked. Most people can relate to this love language, though in
very different ways, and it is extremely important to practice this love
language out of genuine feeling, rather than duty, to avoid resentment.
5. Physical
Touch
Bodily contact between people. Not restricted to sexual
intercourse or intimacy, this love language encompasses all kinds of touch,
from hugs to kisses to cuddling. Physical contact can be its own form of
communication. If this is your love language, you need your partner to recognize
what kinds of touch are pleasant and which are irritating, and focus on
increasing the former and reducing the latter.
With all the love languages, it is vital to remember that we
each speak our own dialect. All of us can identify with more than one of these
expressions of love or affection, though most of us do primarily respond best
to one or another of them. We also tend to express love the way we would like
to receive it, and if our partners do not communicate in the same love language
as we do, this can create a lot of tension and dissatisfaction. Instead,
concentrate on identifying your partner’s love language, and practice showing
affection in ways they will better receive the message. After all, what we all
really want is to feel seen and loved.
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