Too Much Texting Can Disconnect Couples
Couples shouldn't let their thumbs do the talking when it
comes to serious conversations, disagreements or apologies.
Brigham Young University researchers Lori Schade and
Jonathan Sandberg studied 276 young adults around the country and found that
being constantly connected through technology can create some disconnects in
committed relationships.
Here are a few highlights from the report they published
this week in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy:
1. For
women: Using text messages to apologize, work out differences or
make decisions is associated with lower relationship quality
2. For
men:
Too frequent texting is associated with lower relationship quality
3. For
all:
Expressing affection via text enhances the relationship
"Technology is more important to relationship formation
than it was previously," said Schade, who earned her Ph.D. from BYU in
August. "The way couples text is having an effect on the relationship as
well."
The study participants weren't just casually dating -- 38
percent said they were in a serious relationship, 46 percent were engaged and
16 percent were married. Each participant completed an extensive relationship
assessment that included questions about their use of technology in the
relationship.
About 82 percent of them traded text messages with their
partner multiple times a day. And it's not always "I <3 u!!!" or
"Where do you want to go for lunch?"
Many of the couples used texting for stuff scholars call
"relationship maintenance," or the kind of conversations that help
couples get on the same page. Ordinarily having these conversations is a good
thing, but texting can get in the way and makes things worse.
"Reaction to disappointment and reality testing occurs
more quickly face to face," Sandberg said. "There is narrowness with
texting and you don't get to see the breadth of a person that you need to
see."
For men, more texting doesn't necessarily mean a better
relationship. And they don't just get tired of receiving texts; their
relationship satisfaction is also lower when they send a lot of texts
themselves.
"We're wondering if this means men disconnect and
replace in-person conversations with more texting," Schade said.
"Maybe as they exit the relationship, they text more frequently because
that's a safer form of communication. We don't know why, that is just a
conjecture."
The good news is that saying something sweet in a text works
universally for men and women. In fact, sending a loving text was even more
strongly related to relationship satisfaction than receiving one.
The bottom line is that if you don't have something nice to
text, better not text at all.
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