Here is the Four Things That Kill a Relationship Stone Dead
For over 40 years the psychologist Professor John Gottman
has been analysing relationships, both good and bad.
He's followed couples across decades in many psychological
studies to see what kinds of behaviours predict whether they would stay
together in the long-term or were soon destined for the divorce courts.
Amongst the factors he identified, four have stood out, time
and time again. When Gottman sees a couple's communication overrun with these,
the chances are they will divorce in an average of around six years from their
marriage.
A1.
Criticism
Of course we all complain to each other—married couples more
than most—but it's a particular type of corrosive criticism that Gottman
identified as being so destructive.
This is when one criticises the other's core being, their
personality. For example: "You're late because you don't care about
me".
We all make mistakes, but notice that here it's all about
how those mistakes are interpreted. At their worst, criticisms have the
implication that the other person is bad or wrong at some deeper level.
Repeated criticisms that strike at the heart of the other
person's being signal the end of the relationship will be sooner rather than
later.
Alternatively: voice the concern and make a request, e.g.
"I'm bored, let's have a game of cards." (NOT: "You're ignoring
me you selfish @#$%!")
A2.
Contempt
When someone has contempt for their partner, Gottman found
that this was the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Contempt can involve sarcasm, name-calling, mimicking and
eye-rolling. Whatever form it takes, contempt makes the other person feel
worthless.
(Contempt is also bad for your health, as Gottman found that
couples who were contemptuous of each other suffered from more infectious
diseases like colds and flu.)
Alternatively: build respect by appreciating the positive,
e.g. "Love your taste in music!" (NOT "The sound of your
laughter makes me want to vomit.")
A3.
Defensiveness
A person is too defensive when they are always trying to
make excuses for their failures or slip-ups. People do this automatically from
time-to-time, but when it becomes a persistent theme in a relationship, this
can signal the end.
It's an even worse signal when partners are also trying to
score points off the other on top of being defensive. After all, people who
live together are supposed to be in partnership, supporting each other. Life is
difficult enough without being attacked from within as well as from without.
Alternatively: take your share of the blame and suggest a
solution, e.g. "I guess I should have put it on my list, OK let's do it
now." (NOT: No, I didn't pay the gas bill because you forgot to remind
me.")
A4.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when a person metaphorically raises the
drawbridge and cuts off communication. There are no nods of encouragement to
their partner when they speak, no attempt to empathise and no effort to respond
or connect. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Stonewalling can often be a result of a prolonged period of
criticism, contempt and defensiveness. It may feel like the only response to a
worsening situation, but lack of communication will not solve the problems at
the heart of the relationship.
Alternatively: speak, move, respond, blink, move a muscle,
anything! (NOT: here's my impression of a brick wall.)
Post a Comment