What Is Real Love? According to Psychology

Wednesday, 31 July 2013 0 comments

I’d like to make something clear about love… I believe that deep down each one of us knows what real love is but, despite than knowledge, along the way we get extremely confused. So confused, that we want to turn something that isn’t love into love so badly, that we break our own hearts in trying to do so.

What Is Real Love?
Real love is not the butterflies in your stomach at first look or first kiss. It is friendship, it is realizing that you enjoy spending time with that person, time that does not revolve solely around being physical.

Real love is not about presents or status or expensive gifts. It’s about running through the rain, going to the movies, or simply taking a walk and sharing your thoughts. It’s about wanting to please each other and being attentive.

Real love is not selfish. It is putting the other person, always, before yourself.
Real love is not about making excuses. It is knowing, without a doubt that whatever is nagging at you is simply a misunderstanding, easily cleared up with a quick conversation.
Real love is not when you feel relief when he calls/texts you, but when you feel calmness and peacefulness with the lull of his voice. Real love is not wondering if he will call, it is knowing that he will.

Real love is not when he opens the car door for you out of mere courtesy. It is when he opens that car door for you and looks deep into your eyes to make sure you are settled in comfortably.

Real love is not texting and talking through the night because you are afraid that you may not have another chance to talk to them come tomorrow. It’s when you say goodnight, knowing that they will be there tomorrow.

Real love is not waiting for x amount of time to talk to each other after a date. It is an overwhelming desire to be in touch as soon as you leave.

Real love isn’t when you feel vulnerable. It is being vulnerable and still feeling strong.
Real love is not about indifference. It is about showing interest in what interests you, even if it is not their interest.

Real love is not being afraid to express your concerns for the fear of complicating the relationship or being called emotional. Real love is full of concerns, conflicts and emotions.
Real love isn’t about walking on eggshells afraid to do/say something wrong. It is the empowerment of being accepted and wanted, simply for being you, with your flaws.

Real love is not about jealousy, it is about trust and knowing that you are their only one.
Real love is not about smooth sailing. Real love is like being out in the ocean through thunder and lightning and huge scary waves.

How do you know if someone truly loves you?
You will feel that they love you if and when they stay by you through the storm and smile with you, still holding you in their arms after the storm has passed. If you have to sit there and wonder, what if I had said x or did z differently then they wouldn’t have fallen out of love with me, then it wasn’t real love.

When it is just infatuation, lust, or desire, these feelings can not stand strong through time and with any slight disturbance they start to wither away and one is left with nothing. In a real love relationships when these elements start to wither away you are left with a friend and with respect, with someone who wants you by their side, and who will be by your side. Someone who just like you, sees the fire dying away and instead of turning away and starting a new fire somewhere else, they keep working on your fire, blowing on the little flame to make it bigger. They keep searching and finding little dried twigs to add to that fire just like you do. It takes two people to keep that fire going, if it is just one person doing all the work the fire will simply die away eventually.

Remember lust and infatuation only last so long, don’t keep those rose colored glasses on simply because you do not want to admit that that’s all it was. Accept it as is, desiring someone to the point of surrender is great but that’s all it is, a surrender to a moment in time. Pick yourself up and find someone who will love you for you, beyond simple lust, beyond the overwhelming desire, someone who is a true friend, someone who gives you as much as you give to them.

Don’t Waste Your Time
Be Yourself - If you don’t want to waste your time with someone who may not be in love with you, just be yourself, don’t hold back. If you find that you are hesitating in doing so, that is your first red flag. You are better off finding out sooner rather than later if they are truly into you or just your physique.

Have Your Own Interests/Hobbies - When you see that you are becoming obsessed, take a step back and get a better perspective. Don’t forget that you have a life too and it does not yet revolve around this person nor should your life ever revolve around someone else. You should always have a dose of independence (a healthy dose is for you to figure out). If you make your life about someone else, eventually you will begin to be resentful, because the other person, no matter how much they may love you can not make everything about you.
Be Confident/Independent - Expanding a bit on the above point, if you have your interests you will be more confident and naturally come off as independent. No one likes a super needy person. When people see that they have to work a bit for your attention, they appreciate it more. And if in the end, things don’t work out it won’t feel like the end of the world, because there are other elements of your life that keep you busy and make you feel important and valuable.

Don’t Be Confused - If you have any confusion whatsoever about how a person feels about you, then they are not serious about you. When someone is serious they leave you with no doubts.

Don’t Listen, Observe Instead - Anyone can promise anything, it’s the action behind the promises that speaks to the person’s character. Actions without words are confusing (see previous point) and words without action are just words. Make sure there is a balance between the two.

Don’t confuse infatuation with love. I know it is really easy to do but if you see red flags, don’t ignore them. It will only make the end that much more difficult. See things for what they are. If you want fun, enjoy fun, but if you want deepness and meaning don’t make excuses for anything less.
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