Interpersonal Competence Questionnaire

How competent are you with interpersonal relations? Determine your interpersonal competence based on these items taken from the interpersonal competence questionnaire:

Initiation

• Asking or suggesting to someone new that you get together and do something, e.g., go out together.
• Finding and suggesting things to do with new people whom you find interesting and attractive.
• Carrying on conversations with someone new whom you think you might like to get to know.
• Being an interesting and enjoyable person to be with when first getting to know people.
• Introducing yourself to someone you might like to get to know (or date).
• Calling (on the phone) a new date/acquaintance to set up a time to get together and do something.
• Presenting good first impressions to people you might like to become friends with (or date).
• Going to parties or gatherings where you don’t know people well in order to start up new relationships.

Negative Assertion

• Telling a companion you don’t like a certain way he or she has been treating you.
• Saying “no" when a date/acquaintance asks you to do something you don’t want to do.
• Turning down a request by a companion that is unreasonable.
• Standing up for your rights when a companion is neglecting you or being inconsiderate.
• Telling a date/acquaintance that he or she is doing something that embarrasses you.
• Confronting your close companion when he or she has broken a promise.
• Telling a companion that he or she has done something to hurt your feelings.
• Telling a date/acquaintance that he or she has done something that made you angry.

Disclosure

• Confiding in a new friend/date and letting him or her see your softer, more sensitive side.
• Telling a close companion things about yourself that you’re ashamed of.
• Letting a new companion get to know the “real you."
• Letting down your protective “outer shell" and trusting a close companion.
• Telling a close companion about the things that secretly make you feel anxious or afraid.
• Telling a close companion how much you appreciate and care for him or her.
• Knowing how to move a conversation with a date/acquaintance beyond superficial talk to really get to know each other.

Emotional support

• Helping a close companion work through his or her thoughts and feelings about a major life decision, e.g., a career choice.
• Being able to patiently and sensitively listen to a companion “let off steam" about outside problems s/he is having.
• Helping a close companion get to the heart of a problem s/he is experiencing.
• Helping a close companion cope with family or roommate problems.
• Being a good and sensitive listener for a companion who is upset.
• Being able to say and do things to support a close companion when s/he is feeling down.
• Being able to show genuine empathetic concern even when a companion’s problem is uninteresting to you.
• When a close companion needs help and support, being able to give advice in ways that are well received.

Conflict Management

• Being able to admit that you might be wrong when a disagreement with a close companion begins to build into a serious fight.
• Being able to put begrudging (resentful) feelings aside when having a fight with a close companion.
• When having a conflict with a close companion, really listening to his or her complaints and not trying to “read" his/her mind.
• Being able to take a companion’s perspective in a fight and really understand his or her point of view.
• Refraining from saying things that might cause a disagreement to build into a big fight.
• Being able to work through a specific problem with a companion without resorting to global accusations ("you always do that").
• When angry with a companion, being able to accept that s/he has a valid point of view even if you don’t agree with that view.
• Not exploding at a close companion (even when it is justified) in order to avoid a damaging conflict.