When your child puts himself down, your first instinct may
be to blurt out something positive. “It’s only natural. We get upset when our
kids are upset and we want to make them feel better,” says Tamar Chansky, PhD,
author of Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking and a licensed
psychologist. But bathing your child in feel-good statements doesn’t get at the
root of the matter. Kids often blame themselves for circumstances that are
mostly out of their power—whether it’s being the first in the class to hit
puberty or the only one who stutters. Your mission: “Get your child off the hot
seat and point out what he can control,” says Dr. Chansky. Learn how to raise
your child’s self-esteem when.
1. She’s
the shortest kid in the class
If your child feels bad about her appearance, ask her what
clothes she’d wear if she were taller or how she’d do her hair—and then suggest
she start now, recommends Dr. Chansky. Or give her something new to feel good
about. For instance, Chevy Weiss’s then-nine-year-old daughter was the tallest
in her class. Now 12 and 4’11”, she’s the shortest. All those physical changes
in such a short span left her feeling insecure, says Weiss, of Baltimore, MD.
Because the tween had a beautiful voice, Weiss encouraged her to audition for a
girls’ community choir. And now she’s a member singing solos, says her mom.
Why it
works: Replacing your child’s disappointments with something positive
can boost her confidence, says Maureen Healy, author of Growing Happy Kids. Or
as Weiss puts it: “Despite my daughter’s discomfort with her physical
attributes, her good voice lets her find something beautiful about her body.”
2. He’s
overweight
When Dr. Chansky counsels kids who are sad about being
heavy, she tells them to draw a chart of the contributing factors, like
genetics, activity level and diet, think of other plus-sized family members and
come up with specific changes they can make in their lives. For example, they
can snack on carrots and hummus two times a week. Or shoot hoops whenever they
need a homework break.
Why it
works: Realizing that genetics plays a role in weight shifts the
blame away from your child. Plus, the more specific his goals, the more likely
he’ll stick to them—and feel accomplished.
3. She
stutters
Stuttering is a neurologically based disorder, so get
professional help. In the meantime, when your child is talking, don’t finish
her sentences or speak for her when you’re out, suggests Joseph Donaher, PhD, a
speech therapist at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. And instead of
making her fluency a barometer for success, applaud her efforts, adds Dr.
Donaher. Say: “You worked really hard on that presentation. I’m proud of you,”
instead of, “That was great! You barely stuttered.”
Why it works: Praising your child’s efforts instead of the
end result takes the pressure off and helps her feel less self-conscious.
She’ll realize she can do great things while she’s stuttering, says Dr.
Donaher.
4. He’s
not a natural athlete
When Victoria Marin’s son was in fifth grade, his classmates
told him that he was on the basketball team only “to give the good players a
break.” His Norwood, NJ, mom noticed that her daughter’s ballroom-dancing class
seemed to improve the students’ self-esteem, so she booked a private lesson for
her son. After that, he was hooked.
Why it
works: Exercise strengthens kids’ bodies, releases feel-good
chemicals and gives kids a sense of mastery, says Healy, but your child doesn’t
have to join a team to reap the benefits. Find a physical outlet he enjoys,
whether it’s gardening, walking through the woods or jumping on the trampoline,
suggests Healy. For Marin’s son, who has Asperger’s and was bullied at school,
dancing helped him learn to communicate with his partner, maintain eye contact
and lead her around the dance floor. Those leadership skills paid off: He now
speaks at anti-bullying programs—and always dances a cha-cha first.
5. She
hits puberty before her classmates
Kids often believe whatever’s happening is worse than it
really is. If early puberty makes your child feel weird and ugly, ask her what
she thinks going through puberty means, says Dr. Chansky. Then flip her
perspective: Have her imagine what kids who haven’t gone through puberty might
be thinking.
Why it
works: Clearing up her misperceptions about puberty—maybe she’s
heard that girls get sick when they get their periods—can ease her mind. And
helping her realize that other kids are worried about their bodies will remind
her she’s not alone.
6. He
has a learning disability
Kathleen Bunn’s 10-year-old dyslexic son struggles with his
self-esteem, so the Tallahassee, FL, mom celebrates Jordan’s small victories,
like reading a word he’d been sounding out for a long time straight through. If
he gets a failing grade despite his best efforts, “I explain to him that his
brain makes him see things differently when he reads, so he makes mistakes even
though he studies hard,” she says. “He can’t quit striving for As, but if he
tries his best and fails, it's okay.” Another strategy: Find something your
child is good at, so his feeling of accomplishment trumps feeling like a
failure. For Jordan, it’s being a whiz at video games (better than all his
brothers).
Why it
works: Applauding your child’s successes, no matter how small,
spurs him to keep trying, says Bunn, who blogs about her sons in Life With 4
Boys. And knowing what he can control (studying hard) and what he can’t (how
his brain works) helps learning-disabled children focus on the big picture and
not on their shortcomings.
7. She’s
shy
The
usual advice: Schedule a few playdates, stat. But before
that, set up your child for social success with small, gradual steps, says Dr.
Chansky. Tell her to say hi or compliment other kids, or join a group
conversation, even if she just nods her head and makes eye contact.
Why it
works: Sometimes timid kids isolate themselves unintentionally.
When they look away during a conversation, their classmates think they’re unfriendly.
By interacting with other children, your shy child’s learning social skills
and, ideally, feeling more included. If it’s not working, practice at home:
Have her ask a few questions or hold eye contact with you.
8. He’s
nerdy
Charlie, 12, is passionate about writing, acting and
cooking, but those interests don’t match his classmates’, says his mom, *Sara
of Reno, NV. When Charlie feels down, Sara reminds him how creative he is and
that “having an artistic soul means feeling things more deeply than the rest of
the world—and most kids don’t get that,” she says. He meets like-minded kids
through activities like community plays and specialty camps. Another thing that
helps, says Dr. Chansky: Coming up with one-line responses your child can give
to bullies. Try, “Hey what's your problem?” or “You want my attention that
badly? What for?”
Why it
works: Celebrating your child’s differences instead of trying to
create an ideal kid makes a little one feel great about himself, says Healy.
And since each child has his own passions and talents, find activities that
make the most of them, which in turn raises his confidence.
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