What do you do when you feel angry?
Do you tend to brood
and sulk, collecting your righteous complaints like acorns for the winter, or
do you erupt, hurling your wrath upon anyone or anything at hand? Do you
discuss your feelings when you have calmed down? Does “letting anger out” get rid of it for you, or does it only make it
more intense?
The answers are crucial for how you get along with your
family, neighbors, employers, and strangers. Critical thinkers can learn to think carefully about how and when to
express anger, and make a calm decision on how to proceed. Chronic feelings
of anger and an inability to control anger can be as emotionally devastating
and unhealthy as chronic problems with depression or anxiety. Yet in contrast
to much pop-psych advice, research shows that expressing anger does not always get it “out of your system”; often
people feel worse, physically and mentally, after an angry confrontation. When
people brood and ruminate about their anger, talk to others incessantly about
how angry they are, or ventilate their feelings in hostile acts, their blood
pressure shoots up, they often feel angrier, and they behave even more
aggressively later than if they had just let their feelings of anger subside
(Bushman et al., 2005; Tavris, 1989). Conversely, when people learn to control
their tempers and express anger constructively, they usually feel better, not
worse; calmer, not angrier.
When people are feeling angry, they have a choice of
doing any number of things, some of which will be more beneficial than others.
Some people sulk, expecting everyone else to read their minds, which is hardly
a way to communicate clearly. Many post impulsive comments on blogs that have
annoyed them or send nasty texts on the spur of the moment. Some scream abuses
at their friends or family, or strike out physically. If a particular action soothes their feelings or gets the desired
response from others, they are likely to acquire a habit. Soon that habit
feels “natural,” as if it could never be changed. Some habits are better than
others, though! Baking bread or going for a jog is fine, whereas many people
justify their violent tempers by saying, “I couldn’t help myself.” But they
can. If you have acquired an abusive or aggressive habit, the research offers
practical suggestions for learning constructive ways of managing anger:
Don’t
sound off in the heat of anger; let bodily arousal cool
down. Whether your arousal comes from background stresses such as heat, crowds,
or loud noise or from conflict with another person, take time to relax. Time
allows you to decide whether you are really angry or just tired and tense. This
is the reason for the sage old advice to count to 10, count to 100, or sleep on
it. Other cooling-off strategies include taking a time-out in the middle of an
argument, meditating or relaxing, and calming yourself with a distracting
activity.
Don’t
take it personally. If you feel that you have been insulted,
check your perception for its accuracy. Could there be another reason for the
behavior you find offensive? People who are quick to feel anger tend to
interpret other people’s actions as intentional offenses. People who are slow
to anger tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, and they are not as
focused on their own injured pride. Empathy (“Poor guy, he’s feeling rotten”)
is usually incompatible with anger, so practice seeing the situation from the
other person’s perspective.
Beware
of road rage—yours and the other person’s. Driving
increases everyone’s level of physiological arousal, but not everyone becomes a
hotheaded driver. Some drivers make themselves angry by having vengeful and
retaliatory thoughts about other drivers (who have the nerve to change lanes or
want to park! Who dare to drive at the speed limit in a school zone!).
Hotheaded drivers take more risks while driving (rapidly switching lanes in
their impatience), behave more aggressively (swearing, giving other drivers the
finger or cursing them), and have more accidents (Deffenbacher et al., 2003).
If you decide that expressing anger is appropriate, be
sure you use the right verbal and nonverbal language to make yourself
understood. Because cultures (and families) have different display rules, be
sure the recipient of your anger
understands what you are feeling and what complaint you are trying to convey—and
whether or not the person thinks your anger is appropriate. For example, a study
compared the use of anger by Asian-American and Anglo-American negotiators.
Expressing anger was effective for the Anglo teams—it got more concessions from
the other side—but was much less effective for the Asian negotiators (Adam,
Shirako, & Maddux, 2010).
Think carefully about how to express anger so that you
will get the results you want. What do you want your anger to accomplish? Do
you just want to make the other person feel bad, or do you want the other
person to understand your concerns and make amends? Shouting “You moron! How could you be so stupid!” might accomplish the
former goal, but it’s not likely to get the person to apologize, let alone to
change his or her behavior. If your goal is to improve a bad situation or
achieve justice, learning how to express anger so the other person will listen
is essential.
Of course, if you just want to blow off steam, go right
ahead; but you risk becoming a hothead.
Image Source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1376131
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