You matter to me. In a way I cannot explain, you matter
to me. And you, you are a marvel... you and all the parts of you."
It's not the kind of thing you normally write to a
complete stranger.
But after graduating from college and moving to New York
City, Hannah Brencher was feeling anxious and depressed. She found herself not
wanting to be around other people and "just really unravelling".
Then she started writing love letters to strangers and
leaving them all over the city. The first letter she left on a train simply
addressed: "If you find this letter then it's for you."
Since then she has left letters in libraries and cafes,
and even hidden them around the United Nations building.
To
whoever finds this letter
You and I don't know one another. We may never sit and
laugh over cups of coffee. We may never dance in the same circles or yawn
together by the midnight hour. None of that really matters to me. It is so
small and meaningless to the things I wish you would know on a daily basis:
that you are lovely. That you are worthy. That those hands of yours were made
for mighty, mighty things.
You probably think I am crazy. You are probably sitting
here with this letter in your hands thinking, you cannot know that... you don't
know me... you don't know a stitch of me. Yes, you're right. But I know all the
things I thought I never deserved. I know how very hard it once was to love
myself and value myself and even find myself worth the reflection in the
mirror. And so I know I am not alone in needing a boost some days, in needing
to know that I matter to someone somewhere.
You matter to me. In a way I cannot explain, you matter
to me. And you, you are a marvel... you and all the parts of you.
Love,
A girl just trying to find her way
"What I noticed was that my sadness and loneliness
got backburnered," she told the BBC. "I found something that allowed
me to take the focus off of myself."
Unexpected
kindness
Hannah and her More Love Letters campaign are part of a
growing number of organisations shouting about the beneficial effects of random
acts of kindness for givers as well as receivers.
It might sound a bit like new-age nonsense to some
people, but new research suggests being kind might actually be good for your
mental health.
A study published in the journal Emotion reports that
performing acts of kindness may help people with social anxiety to feel more
positive.
Dr Lynn Alden and Dr Jennifer Trew, from the University
of British Columbia, asked volunteers with high levels of social anxiety to
commit multiple acts of kindness on two days a week over a four-week period.
"Sometimes people would give a small gift to
somebody, or picking somebody up from work, visiting sick people, thanking a
bus driver. They were actually fairly small acts," explained Dr Alden.
They were small acts perhaps, but ones which had a much
bigger impact.
Challenging beliefs
More standard treatment for social anxiety disorder is
cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) adapted specifically for people who fear
they will do or say something embarrassing in a social situation.
As part of this therapy patients are encouraged to face
their fears about social contact, by putting themselves into a situation they
would normally avoid or initiating conversation with new people.
In Dr Alden's experiment a comparison group of anxious
volunteers were asked to perform small "belief-challenging" tasks
similar to these therapeutic ones.
Just like the kind acts group, this group were also
increasing their levels of social contact, engaging in unfamiliar behaviour,
and paying attention to others' responses; all things which have been suggested
to be important components in overcoming social anxiety.
At the end of the four weeks, participants in the kind
acts group avoided social situations less and also reported increased
relationship satisfaction. Performing kind acts appeared to have a bigger
effect than CBT-like behaviour tasks.
The
kindness offensive
A London-based initiative called the Kindness Offensive
have been organising give-away events and encouraging kind acts since 2008.
They hold the world record for the largest ever random
act of kindness for distributing 39 tonnes of goods in one day.
"It's practically impossible to do an act of
kindness without feeling good about yourself," said the aptly named David
Goodfellow, one of the founding members of the group.
"If you can make someone's day a little bit better
it will actually make your day a little bit better."
The
Kindness Offensive
Dr Nick Grey, consultant clinical psychologist and clinic
director at the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma in London, was
initially wary of the idea that performing kind acts might have therapeutic
value for patients with anxiety disorders.
"I hadn't seen the paper and I was sceptical from
the title to be honest. But it's a good paper and comes from a well-respected
team.
"I don't think that's ever going to be a therapy in
and of itself, but it could well be the kind of activity that could be integrated
as part of a broader treatment."
Dr Alden suggests that acts of kindness might be an
initial step in a longer therapeutic pathway.
"Engaging in kind acts may help the person to get
out and encounter other people and then we can use other techniques to help the
person change their beliefs about themselves."
But she urges caution about performing acts of kindness
chosen by someone else or just to impress others.
"I think it has be done in such a way that the
individual has a sense of autonomy. They are performing the act because they
want to and not because it's required by the group."
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