"Can't We Talk?" (condensed from: You Just
Don't Understand)
A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her
husband and asked, "Would you like to stop for a coffee?"
"No, thanks," he answered truthfully. So they
didn't stop.
The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop,
became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The
husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn't she just say
what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking
the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And
the woman didn't realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing
his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and woman interpret the same
interchange in such conflicting ways, it's no wonder they can find themselves
leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
As a specialist in linguistics, I have studied how the
conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all
women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that
haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different
conversational rules by which men and women play.
Whenever I write or speak about this subject, people tell
me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they
had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.
Learning about the different though equally valid
conversational frequencies men and women are tuned to can help banish the blame
and help us truly talk to one another. Here are some of the most common areas
of conflict:
Status
vs. Support.
Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a
contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from
pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange
confirmation and support.
I saw this when my husband and I had jobs in different
cities. People frequently made comments like, "That must be rough,"
and "How do you stand it?" I accepted their sympathy and sometimes
even reinforced it, saying, "The worst part is having to pack and unpack
al the time."
But my husband often reacted with irritation. Our
situation had advantages, he would explain. As academics, we had four-day
weekends together, as well as long vacations throughout the year and four
months in the summer.
Everything he said was true, but I didn't understand why
he chose to say it. He told me that some of the comments implied: "Yours
is not a real marriage. I am superior to you because my wife and I have avoided
your misfortune." Until then it had not occurred to me there might be an
element of one- upmanship.
I now see that my husband was simply approaching the
world as many men do: as a place where people try to achieve and maintain
status. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as a
network of connections seeking support and consensus.
Independence
vs. Intimacy.
Since women often think in terms of closeness and
support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend
to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly
different views of the same situation.
When Josh's old high-school friend called him at work to
say he'd be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he
told Linda they were having a house guest.
Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without
discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. "Why
don't you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?" she asked.
Josh replied, "I can't tell my friend, 'I have to
ask my wife for permission'!"
To Josh, checking with his wife would mean he was not
free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an underling.
But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, "I have to check with
Josh." It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with
her husband's.
Advice
vs. Understanding.
Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she
confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches
changed the contour of her breast, he answered, "You can always have
plastic surgery."
This comment bothered her. "I'm sorry you don't like
the way it looks," she protested. "But I'm not having any more
surgery!"
Mark was hurt and puzzled. "I don't care about a
scar," he replied. "It doesn't bother me at all."
"Then why are you telling me to have plastic
surgery?" she asked.
"Because you were upset about the way it
looks."
Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully
supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To
many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he
was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her
scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
When my mother tells my father she doesn't feel well, he
invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed
with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she
wants sympathy.
Information
vs. Feelings.
A cartoon shows a husband opening a newspaper and asking
his wife, "Is there anything you'd like to say to me before I start
reading the paper?" We know there isn't - but that as soon as the man
begins reading, his wife will think of something.
The cartoon is funny because people recognize their own
experience in it. What's not funny is that many women are hurt when men don't
talk to them at home, and many men are frustrated when they disappoint their
partners without knowing why.
Rebecca, who is happily married, told me this is a source
of dissatisfaction with her husband, Stuart. When she tells him what she is
thinking, he listens silently. When she asks him what is on his mind, he says,
"Nothing."
All Rebecca's life she has had practice in verbalizing her
feelings with friends and relatives. But Stuart has had practice in keeping his
innermost thoughts to himself. To him, like most men, talk is information. He
doesn't feel that talk is required at home.
Yet many such men hold center stage in a social setting,
telling jokes and stories. They use conversation to claim attention and to
entertain. Women can wind up hurt that their husbands tell relative strangers
things they have not told them.
To avoid this kind of misunderstanding, both men and
women can make adjustments. A woman may observe a man's desire to read the
paper without seeing it is a rejection. And a man can understand a woman's
desire to talk without feeling it is a manipulative intrusion.
Orders
vs. Proposals.
Diana often begins statements with "Let's." She
might say "Let's park over there" or "Let's clean up now, before
lunch."
This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana's
"Let's" as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to
do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she
formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders. Her style of talking
is a way of getting others to do what she wants - but by winning agreement
first.
With certain men, like Nathan, this tactic backfires. If
they perceive someone is trying to get them to do something indirectly, they
feel manipulated and respond more resentfully than they would to a
straightforward request.
Conflict
vs. Compromise.
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose
the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to
assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove.
It was she who commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank
always went for cars that were "interesting" but in continual need of
repair.
After Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they
were in the market for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a late-model
sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She
tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable
car, but he would not be swayed.
Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This
time Dora bought the boring but dependable car and steeled herself for Hanks'
anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of remonstrance. When she later
told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears and said she should
have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it.
As Dora discovered, a little conflict won't kill you. At
the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt
for less confrontation.
When we don't see style differences for what they are, we
sometimes draw unfair conclusions: "You're illogical," "You're
self- centered," "You don't care about me." But once we grasp
the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing
disagreements from spiraling out of control.
Learning the other's ways of talking is a leap across the
communication gap between men and women, and a giant step towards genuine
understanding.
Image Source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1173221
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