Best Tips to think Healthily
How
or what we think directly affects our moods
Research shows that how or what we think directly affects
our moods and how we feel. Contrary to
popular belief, events or situations do not determine your mood. Instead, how you think about the event or
situation typically determines mood.
Two people can face the same circumstances or event and have very
different reactions to the event. That’s
because the event is interpreted in the mind – so how you think about something
affects how you feel about something. This relationship between thinking and feeling
has been acknowledged in both ancient and modern times.
Men are not worried by things, but by their ideas about
things. When we meet difficulties, become anxious or troubled, let us not blame
others, but rather ourselves, that is: our idea about things.
-Epictetus, about 60 AD
It is very obvious that we are not influenced by
"facts" but by our interpretation of the facts.
-Alfred Adler
If thinking affects our feelings, we can change how we
feel by changing how we think. Thinking
is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened. Because thinking is so
automatic, it seems fixed. But
oftentimes our thinking is inaccurate or irrational. Inaccurate or irrational thinking is a major
cause of negative moods such as sadness, anger, anxiety and guilt.
Change your negative thinking to positive thinking and
thereby change your negative moods to positive moods.
1.
Be precise in your thinking.
Instead of “I always mess this duty up” think “I didn’t get it right
this time”.
2.
Avoid words that are imperatives – Always, Never, Should,
Must (“Everyone should like me all of the time” or “I must be perfect on the
job and at home”)
3.
React to what is real not imagined. React to the situation at
hand, not the worst situation that you can conjure up in your mind.
4.
Instead of guessing or mind reading about what others think about you or need
from you- Ask. Check it out.
5.
Consider the whole.
Instead of focusing on a single negative detail about yourself or others
try to balance your view with the positive. A balanced perspective will likely
be more realistic and keep your mood balanced too. (Filtering)
6.
Just because you feel something, doesn’t make it true. If you feel stupid, it doesn’t follow that
you are stupid. If you feel guilty, it
doesn’t necessarily mean that you are. Feelings come from thoughts and if your
thoughts are inaccurate or misguided your feelings may be too. (emotional
reasoning)
7.
Fairness is relative not absolute. What you think is fair is guided by you, your
needs, wants, responsibilities, etc.
Other people’s standard of fairness is guided by their needs, wants,
responsibilities and the two often do not agree. Expecting people to agree with you will build
resentment and impair relationships. (Fairness fallacy)
8.
It’s not always about you.
Thinking that things that happen around you are related to you can
create unhealthy thinking and moods.
Looking for your self worth in comparison to others is empty exercise that
will leave you thinking and feeling that you don’t measure up. Let your own values and experiences be your
yardstick.
Don’t get stuck.
You are constantly making decisions, taking action, thinking thoughts
that can change your perspective and your life. The fifteen styles of distorted
thinking listed below demonstrate the multiple ways that our thinking can lead
to negative moods.
Suggested
exercise:
Rank the styles that apply to you and the next time that
you experience a negative mood check and see if this distorted thinking pattern
is in play.
1.
Filtering: You take the
negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the
whole event becomes colored by this detail.
When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good
experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really
are.
2.
Polarized Thinking: The
hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the
extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is
its impact on how you judge yourself.
For example—You have to be perfect or you're a failure.
3.
Overgeneralization: You
come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of
evidence. If something bad happens once,
you expect it to happen over and over again.
'Always' and 'never' are cues that this style of thinking is being
utilized. This distortion can lead to a
restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident or
event.
4.
Mind Reading: Without
their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they
do. In particular, you are able to
divine how people are feeling toward you.
Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you
do and react to things the same way you do.
Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that
they are actually different. Mind
readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether
they are true for the other person.
5.
Catastrophizing: You
expect disaster. You notice or hear
about a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile
catastrophic imagination. An underlying
catalyst for this style of thinking is that you do not trust in yourself and
your capacity to adapt to change.
6.
Personalization: This
is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people
do or say is some kind of reaction to you.
You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter,
better looking, etc. The underlying
assumption is that your worth is in question.
You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by
measuring yourself against others. If
you come out better, you get a moment's relief.
If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you
interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth
and value.
7.
Control Fallacies: There
are two ways you can distort your sense of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see
yourself as helpless, a victim of fate.
The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and
happiness of everyone around you.
Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really affect the
basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world. The truth of the matter is that we are
constantly making decisions, and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy of internal
control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of everyone
around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you cannot).
8.
Fallacy of Fairness: You
feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't
agree with you. Fairness is so
conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets locked
into his or her own point of view. It is
tempting to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only
fair or really valued you. But the other
person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end up causing yourself a lot of
pain and an ever-growing resentment.
9.
Blaming: You hold other people
responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every
problem. Blaming often involves making
someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own
responsibility. In blame systems, you
deny your right (and responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go
elsewhere for what you want.
10.
Shoulds: You have a list
of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act.
People who break the rules anger you, and you
feel guilty if you violate the rules.
The rules are right and indisputable and, as a result, you are often in
the position of judging and finding fault (in yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this
distortion are should, ought, and must.
11.
Emotional Reasoning: You
believe that what you feel must be true—automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must
be stupid and boring. If you feel
guilty, then you must have done something wrong. The problem with emotional reasoning is that
our emotions interact and correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted thoughts and
beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.
12.
Fallacy of Change: You
expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole
them enough. You need to change people
because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. The truth is the only person you can really
control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking
style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness actually depends on the
thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.
13.
Global Labeling: You
generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling ignores all contrary
evidence, creating a view of the world that can be stereotyped and
one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can
have a negative and insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling
others can lead to snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.
14.
Being Right: You
feel continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are
correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and
you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often makes you hard of
hearing. You aren't interested in the
possible veracity of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes more important than an
honest and caring relationship.
15.
Heaven's Reward Fallacy:
You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there
were someone keeping score. You fell
bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while you are always
doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it, you are physically
and emotionally depleting yourself.
References
*From Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, &
Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from
the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David
Burns, among others. 2002005/2006, Eastern Washington University5/2006, Eastern
Washington University
Resources:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns, M.D.
New York, Avon Books
Mind Over Mood, by Christine Padesky and Dennis
Greenberger. New York; Guilford Press
Kitchen Table Wisdom, by Rachel Naomi Remen. New York:
Riverhead Books
Learned Optimism, by Martin E. P. Seligman. New York:
Pocket Books
Life on Fire: A Comedy of Terrors, by Evan Handler. New
York, Henry Holt & Co.
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