Do you making the same mistakes?
But when you consider the unconscious -- the thoughts,
feelings and motivations that "secretly" guide your actions -- even
the most irrational behaviors come in to focus. Consciously, you want to
complete the assignment, find a healthy romance, and stop angering friends by
running late. But deep inside, conflicting desires are at odds with your
conscious intentions.
How to Stop Making same Mistakes
Why you keep repeating the same patterns.
Still repeating the same self-defeating patterns?
Dating the same kind of controlling jerk you vowed to
avoid three controlling jerks ago?
Putting off assignments until the last minute, then
making sloppy mistakes in a rush to meet deadline?
Sleeping late, not going to the gym, overeating... and
then hating yourself for it?
On the surface, it makes no sense. Why would anyone keep
shooting themselves in the foot when clearly they can see their toes smoking?
But when you consider the unconscious -- the thoughts,
feelings and motivations that "secretly" guide your actions -- even
the most irrational behaviors come in to focus. Consciously, you want to
complete the assignment, find a healthy romance, and stop angering friends by
running late. But deep inside, conflicting desires are at odds with your
conscious intentions.
Sure you want to prove yourself, but what if you
unambivalently attack an assignment and then fail? What if you pursue a
romantic partner who can truly nurture you -- and he walks away? It feels worse
to be rejected by Prince Charming than to stick with the jerk you know isn't
right for you.
I have worked with numerous people who, on the verge of
important accomplishments -- or perhaps right after something good has happened
-- become anxious and yank the rug out from under themselves. It may seem
counterintuitive, but it sure beats getting your hopes up and having somebody
else dash them -- especially if that's been a frequent experience in life. By
extinguishing your own hopes, your unconscious is trying to protect you from
the rejection that has already happened in the past, and that it is sure will
happen again if it lets its guard down. The pain you know is familiar, and by
causing it yourself, you at least feel in control. You know how things will
turn out since, without realizing it, you have engineered them that way.
People often say they procrastinate because there are
lazy. I like to reframe it so that they can see what they really are is
frightened. They put off a daunting task because they are afraid they will not
be good enough to accomplish it. Or what if they do, and still feel empty
inside? Not trying is a way to keep alive the hope that things will still work
out in the future.
Also, by unconsciously repeating the past -- by dating an
aloof, rejecting man like father -- you hope to master the pain and come up
with a new ending. If you can win over Mr. Wrong, you can finally please daddy
(in abstentia) and feel worthy, powerful and recognized.
The problem is that it rarely works. Instead of mastering
and changing the past, we repeat it almost verbatim. What may be required is a
working through facilitated by psychodynamic psychotherapy. In treatment, you
confront your unconscious belief systems and finds new ways to address them.
This happens in vivo with the psychoanalyst, another parent figure likely to
stir up familiar rejection anxieties, but who is also able to find new ways to
respond to them. Rather than reject, he affirms. Rather than become angry, he
remains curious.
So stop procrastinating and start looking inside. You may
be surprised by what you find.
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