Mainly in settlements Circular Conversations and
Arguments are repeats endlessly.
Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost
endlessly, repeating the same patterns, with no real resolution. Usually both parties take opposing positions
over an issue, dig in and reiterate the merits of their position until one (or
both) of them becomes exhausted and stops communicating. Circular conversations
can last hours, days, weeks, months, years, even a lifetime.
Often, the argument begins over something superficial.
For example, it may be about who should say “I’m sorry”. The reason these
become circular arguments is that the issue expressed often represents an
underlying feeling, such as “I feel disrespected”, “I feel hurt” or “I feel
afraid”. When we argue, we are often trying to communicate feelings but,
because of the tension in the air and, because the other person is not
validating our position, we often feel too vulnerable to express our feelings.
Instead, we tend to represent our feelings in the form of a position, an issue
or an event such as “You lied to me”, or “You’re being insensitive”.
Coping With Circular Conversations - What NOT to do:
• Don’t repeat anything you have already said once.
• Don’t explain or respond to a question that you have
already answered.
• Don’t engage in aggressive acts such as slamming doors
or storming out.
• Don’t try to get the last word.
• Don’t wait for your feelings to be validated.
• Don’t try to change the other person’s mind. Their thoughts
and beliefs and feelings are their own property.
• Don’t try to manipulate the other person’s feelings.
Don’t try to make them feel guilt, remorse, sympathy etc.
• Don’t spend time describing the other person’s
behavior, feelings or actions. Focus on describing your own needs and feelings.
• Don’t insist on agreement or consensus before the
conversation can end. It’s normal and healthy for two people to arrive at
disagreement, different conclusions and different interpretations of the same
events.
What TO Do:
• Recognize the pattern. Acknowledge that you are in a
conversation that is just going around and around.
• Accept that feelings aren’t inherently good or bad -
they just are. You can’t control the way you feel, neither can the other
person. The way you feel is just a natural reaction to what you are
experiencing.
• Switch from stating facts to stating feelings. Describe
your own feelings not the other person’s. Don’t say “I feel like you are
lying”. That is not a feeling. That is an opinion. Say “I feel scared” or “I
feel hurt”. You don’t have to say why, just say it. The wonderful thing about
stating your feelings is that nobody can contradict you, although people might
try. Nobody knows or owns your feelings except you.
• End the conversation, calmly and with your dignity
intact. If you like, you can say, “I need a break” or “Let’s discuss this
later” and end it there.
• Get out of the way.
Post a Comment