Different people had different views on the different issues.
When emotions are high and there are different viewpoints, having an effective
conversation can be challenging. In addition, emotions usually run highest when
the outcome of the conversation means the most. We get tense and hyperalert.
For example, consider your reaction when someone says “We need to talk. ” Most people prepare for a difficult
interaction by putting up barriers to defend themselves, not by relaxing and
focusing on being more open with information. They’re on guard before the deep
conversation even starts. That posture makes it difficult to freely share
ideas.
Many emotionally people avoid those conversations that
could and often do result in conflict. They fire people, break up with
girlfriends, and cancel plans with friends by texting, sending emails and
leaving voice mails. Sometimes decisions are unilaterally made on incomplete
information because difficult conversations were avoided.
For the emotionally sensitive, tense conversations can be
so painful that they goIn Critical Conversation Skills, the authors give guidelines for having
difficult conversations in an effective way.
Avoid
the Fool’s Choice
The Fool’s Choice is believing that you have to choose
between telling the truth and keeping a friend or colleague. It’s being trapped
in an either/or box. When we feel threatened our brains go into survival mode
and our ability to think of options and alternatives decreases.
In effective conversation, you don’t let yourself get
boxed in with two choices. So the questions becomes “How do you tell the truth
and keep your friend?”
Dialogue
Getting all the relevant information on the table is one
key to having an effective conversation and finding effective solutions. When
people openly and honestly share their views, you get closer to having the whole picture of the
situation. When each person share his or her views and a shared meaning, is reached, any decision
made will be a better one. In addition, everyone involved will be more invested
in the decision.
Dialogue
skills can be learned.
1. Start with Heart. The
first step is to really change your view that the problem is other people, that
those losers are getting in the way of an excellent solution. Even if that were
true, the only person you can really change is yourself. Starting with heart means to begin discussions
with the right motives and stay focused on the right motives no matter what.
You respect the other people involved and want to understand their point of
view. You accept that there is truth in their views.
This means not getting sidetracked by a wish to
“win.” Too often we start out with the
goal of resolving a problem but soon we start correcting facts, quibbling over
details and pointing out flaws in the other person’s argument. They of course push back. Then we’re
committed to winning. When we’re committed to winning we aren’t looking for a
solution that works for everyone, we’re pushing for our own position and to
prove we are right.
As the discussion gets more heated you move past wanting
to win to wanting to punish. “He’ll be sorry,” and “She won’t get away with
this,” reflects your wish to make the other person suffer. Humiliation is often
a tool of punishment and it shuts down dialogue. At that point you are far from
your original goal of having an effective conversation.
2. Learn to Look. Recognizing the danger signs that you are
destroying an effective conversation is difficult when you are in the middle of
the interaction. Some people notice their physical responses first, such as
flushing, feeling hot, tight stomach or closing throat. Other notice their
emotions. They may become scared or angry. Some notice behavioral signs such as
raising their voice, pointing their finger, or becoming quiet.
When you notice these signals, focus on creating
safety. When people feel safe they
communicate more freely. The problem most often is not what you are talking
about but the condition of the conversation. People become defensive when they
are afraid and begin to behave in annoying ways such as making fun of you,
becoming aggressive in their arguments, being silent, or insulting you. Don’t respond to those behaviors, instead
focus on helping the others feel safe again.
3. Make It Safe. Feeling safe is usually related to two
conditions. One is having a mutual
purpose. People can listen to difficult content if they believe you share a
mutual purpose, such as saving the relationship or improving working
conditions. Another safety condition is
mutual respect. If other perceive that you don’t respect them, the conversation
immediately becomes unsafe and the dialogue stops. When safety has been
jeopardized, restore it. Explain what you didn’t and did intend, show respect
and find a mutual purpose.
4. Master My Stories: Accept that you are the one responsible for
your emotions, no one else. Be aware of what stories you tell yourself that are
based on assumptions and lead to emotions and actions that aren’t helpful.
Stick to the facts. Watch out particularly
for helpless stories (“There’s Nothing
Else I Can Do”), victim stories (“It’s Not My Fault”), and Villian Stories
(“It’s All Your Fault.”).
5. STATE my Path: Share your facts in an honest, direct way
without apologizing or sugarcoating the information.Communicate your purpose in
having the conversation, share your views and ask for the views of others.
Express youself in ways that show you know you probably don’t have all the
information and that other explanations may exist. Show openness to input.
Stating your path is done in a direct,
clear, honest and respectful way.
6. Explore Others’ Paths: Sincerely listen and understand the views of
others. Explore how they reached the conclusions that they have. Ask questions to help you understand their
view as completely as you can. Compare their views with yours, agree where you
can and build together to get a complete picture. Even if you can’t see how
their views would add to your understanding, pay attention and be sure you
understand. You may be surprised by what you learn.
7. Move to Action: Determine what action will be taken even it
is to find additional information. Set times to to follow up.
Reference
Patterson, K.; Grenny, J.; McMillan, R.; and Switzler,
A. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2002.
Image Source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1038128
Image Source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1038128
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