characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears orenvious resentment: a jealous rage is known as jealousy. Jealousy is when you react negatively towards the
possibility of losing what you have to someone else. Unlike envy, it usually
involves three people, rather than just two: you, the person who has what you
want and the person who threatens to take it away.] It's
an unhealthy habit that can make any kind of relationship crumble; if you're a
jealous person, you have seen how much damage it can do. But at the core of jealousy are some fears and
expectations that are hard to shake, unless you make a conscious effort to cast
them away.
First
of all you have to trace why you are feeling jealousy Observe what triggers
your jealousy. Certain situations will trigger an image or possibility in
your mind that you dread. What are the images and possibilities that pop into
your head when jealousy strikes?
- romantic
partner interacting with others (co-worker, ex, friend, etc.) - fear of
partner cheating with someone who is "better" than you in some
way
- child
seeming to prefer the company of another adult - insecurity about whether
you're doing a good job as a parent
- parent
paying attention to their new partner - fear that the parent will not
spend any time with you anymore
- friend
spending time with other people - fear that the friend will prefer the
other people and will not want to spend time with you anymore
- someone
else getting a promotion that you want -
insecurity over unmet expectations
A1:Bite your tongue. When you feel jealousy taking
over, don't react in a destructive way. Don't accuse, don't give the silent treatment, don't roll your eyes, and don't show any signs of
displeasure. Try to do the opposite of what a jealous person
would do. If a friend is going to spend time with someone else, for example,
recommend a good movie or restaurant. If your partner is talking to someone
else, leave them be. Do what a completely trusting person would do in your
shoes, even if it makes you feel crazy. Jealous behavior can bring any kind of
relationship to its knees, so nip it in the bud. Make time to discuss, using nonviolent communication, what made you feel jealous later, when the
strong feelings of jealousy have passed, and you're not as likely to overreact.
A2:Jealousy builds walls--literally. This wall was
built by a man to block view of his brother's home, who he believed was having
an affair with his wife, who he imprisoned for 30 years. Recognize
that jealousy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you behave
jealously, you don't respond to someone's behavior--you respond to what you
believe someone's behavior implies. In other words, you're
reacting to a scenario in your mind that you fear, but that hasn't happened
yet, and might not happen at all. By playing with another adult, for example,
your child isn't doing something inherently wrong. Neither is your partner who
calls to offer condolences to their ex whose mother just died. But your
negative reaction to what you believe their behavior implies (that someone else
is somehow better than or more important than you) will make the person feel
defensive and paranoid, because they're being accused of doing something bad.
The more defensive and paranoid they get, the more suspicious and jealous you
get. It's a vicious cycle that's difficult to reverse.
A3:Build self confidence. Jealousy is usually a by-product of insecurity and low
self-esteem. Sometimes it's a deep-rooted fear of abandonment that someone will
leave you, or withdraw their love or attention from you because you're
"not good enough"--if so, you need to learn that other
people's behavior and lives are not a reflection on you. Confident people
know that even when they are rejected or ridiculed, it's not always because
they failed; sometimes people are just short-sighted. And even if they do fail,
it doesn't reduce their worth; it simply means they need to learn something new.
A4:Stop comparing yourself to other people. Some people
seem to have it all, but be realistic--does anyone really lead a problem-free
life? They might seem to lead a comfortable life (as many
wealthy people do) but it's not always a fulfilling life. And
even beautiful, successful celebrities have emotional breakdowns, get cheated
on, struggle with addictions, get arrested, and lose their fortunes. Make
friends with someone who you think has it all--sincerely take an interest in
their lives--and you'll eventually discover that they have their hidden
struggles. But they don't live their lives constantly worried that someone else
will come along and take away everything that gives them joy; their lives
aren't characterized by jealousy. Learn from them.
A5:Stop feeling entitled to all of a person's time. If you get
jealous when you see someone you care about interacting with or spending time
with someone other than you, then you need to consider "How much of this
person's time do I really want?" It's understandable if you want to spend
a certain amount of quality time with your partner, child, parent, or friend.
If they're not spending any time with you, then your concerns
are valid. But if they spend a good deal of time with you but you never feel
like it's enough, and deep down you'd prefer it if you were together all the
time, then it's not healthy. Find other activities, and other people to do them
with, to fill your time.
A6:Trust. If you get jealous easily, you've probably had your
trust broken. Most of the time, the trust was broken in the past, and you
inadvertently project your fear of being hurt again onto someone else. The
question you need to ask yourself is whether this person (the person who you
worry will hurt you) has ever done anything to break your trust in the past. If
the answer is no, then it's important to give them credit for that, and not
treat him or her like a criminal. If the person has broken
your trust in the past, then it's time to forgive, or else jealousy will ruin the relationship. Period.
Sometimes jealousy is warranted. Not all partners have a
good sense of boundaries. In some instances where this is true - it is truly
vital that you question your partner's judgment and in whom he/she places
trust. Boundaries need to be set so you both know what's appropriate and what's
not in terms of interacting with other people. This is a difficult subject for
many couples, but addressing it will prevent arguments down the line. Ask your
partner where they draw the line (flirting? kiss on the cheek? peck on the lips? shoulder massage? dancing?) and see if
it matches up with yours. If not, talk it over until you can find common
ground. Once it's established, trust your partner and don't let jealousy get
the best of you.
A7:Be positive. Ultimately, jealousy is a fear-based behavior. You're
spending a lot of time worrying about something bad that hasn't happened yet,
and might not happen at all. In doing so, you're increasing the likelihood of
bad things happening by fostering suspicion and distrust. Try to focus on the
positive, instead. Be
thankful for what
you have. And remember that if someone is going to hurt you, there's
nothing you can do to stop it anyway. No amount of nagging, monitoring,
accusation, snooping, or guarding will prevent you from being hurt. If you
believe in someone, believe in them completely; give them all your trust. The
benefit of the doubt is essential for any relationship to work. And if you
really don't trust them, if you really feel that the person is weak, deceptive,
or otherwise untrustworthy, then don't associate with them. You deserve better.
Tips
- Always
examine your jealous thoughts for a sense of entitlement. Whatever it is
that someone is getting and you're not (thus sparking jealousy) is
something that you feel entitled to; something that you feel is rightfully
yours. Instead of trying to convince someone (through jealous behavior)
that they should give you what you want, think of ways you can earn it.
Focus on being a good person.
- The
best way to make someone spend even more time away from
you is to act jealous. When you're being angry, snarky or sarcastic,
you're not only less fun to be around, you're making the person feel that
you think you own them.
- Prepare
a list of good qualities about yourself and focus inward. This will help
resolve any internal insecurities that you have. Remember, those
insecurities are manifested outwardly through your jealousy.
- Do
not let them see that you are jealous, because they could have the right
to be mad at you.
- Give
yourself a day to cool down, do not react immediately. Always give your
partner the benefit of the doubt. Do not believe anything until you have
actually seen it.... but if you have a bad feeling and you are absolutely
convinced your partner is cheating, then just walk away, it is hard but
time heals any wound, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
- Overcoming jealousy will take time. Be patient with yourself.
- Never let your feelings of jealousy push you to abuse
someone, verbally or physically.
- Don't get angry at the person you're jealous of - it
will only make things worse.
- always take a second to tell them how much you love
them
- Just because you feel or see something in your mind,
doesn't mean it is true. Focus on reality.
- Always keep in mind that if your partner have never
been heating, then you don't have reasons to be jealous.
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