A
psychological research on girls has reviled the facts that what type of girls
would cheat and why they cheat others. Our cultural stereotypes tell us that it
is usually men who step out on wives or girlfriends, but research actually
indicates that nearly as many women cheat as men. And it does take
two to dance the infidelity(the quality of being unfaithful) tango.
Studies
on modern Western culture universally suggest that between 10 and 20 percent of
men and women in marriages and other committed, long-term
relationships are sexually unfaithful to their spouse or significant other.
Interestingly, the reasons men and women cheat often differ by gender, and
these reasons tend to parallel our general understanding of male versus female
sexuality.
For
example, when actively viewing pornography, males are typically more aroused by
a rapid-fire succession of visual images, objectified body parts,
and concrete sexual acts, whereas females tend to be more responsive to sexual
imagery that includes some kind of emotional connection.
Pornographers,
increasingly aware of this reality, are now actively evolving a new erotic
genre known as “Mommy Porn.” The wildly popular erotic book series begun with
the worldwide bestseller Fifty Shades of Gray exemplifies the
ways in which mature women typically respond to pornography, in that they are
interested more in eroticized relationships than objectified body parts.
For
instance, the vast majority of the Fifty Shades trilogy’s
largely female readership report feeling excited less by the book’s graphic
depictions of bondage and sexual domination and more by the intense relational
tension taking place between the two main characters. A similar phenomenon, aimed
at a younger female age group, is the tremendously successful Twilight book
and film series with its exploration of young, beautifully
sculpted, highly objectified male figures—presented as vampires and werewolves
who are struggling with their desire to love and possess a young girl. (True
Blood on HBO falls somewhere in the middle of Fifty Shades and Twilight.)
In
simple terms, when men view porn they tend to be more aroused by body parts and
genital interaction, whereas women are far more engaged by material that also
incorporates some concept of romantic connection or love.
Most
healthy men feel comfortable engaging in a “purely sexual” experience that is
void of emotional attachment or relationship, whereas healthy women tend to
enjoy sexuality that is inclusive of some kind of emotional connection, even if
that connection is only implied. This theme holds true in terms of how men and
women tend to view and engage in relationship infidelity.
In
one survey, Undercover Lovers, a UK based extramarital dating site (not unlike
Ashley Madison in the US), surveyed 4000 of its members, approximately 2000 men
and 2000 women, about their cheating habits. Among the women cheaters, 76%
stated they still loved their husbands, and 57% said they loved the other man.
It doesn’t take a mathematical genius to realize that 76% plus 57% equals a
quite a bit more than 100%, implying that women who cheat likely feel more
comfortable with their behavior when experiencing or at least perceiving feelings
of love.
In
that same survey, 67% of male cheaters said they loved their wives (a number
somewhat similar to the females studied), yet among that same group a mere 27%
said they loved their mistresses. The significant difference here is that men
who cheat have less of a need to feel bonded to an affair partner than women
who engage in the same behaviour.
Further
research, conducted by Rutgers University biological anthropologist Helen
Fisher, revealed that 34% of the women she studied (who were active in
sexual/romantic affairs) said they felt “happily married,” whereas 56% of the
males studied (also active in sexual/romantic affairs) stated they felt
“happily married.” Fisher’s study indicates that women are generally more
comfortable having an affair when feeling less attached to a primary spouse or
partner, while men appear to be more emotionally comfortable with and accepting
of being bonded in a primary relationship and also having sex outside of that
bond.
Women
who sexually or romantically cheat do so for a variety of underlying
interpersonal and psychological reasons, the most common of which are listed
below:
- She feels neglected, ignored, or under-appreciated. A woman who feels more like a housekeeper,
financial provider, or nanny than a wife or girlfriend is more vulnerable
to finding an external situation that brings attention and appreciation for
who she is rather than the functions she performs.
- She has low self-esteem. Women who suffer with chronic self-esteem and/or
mood disorders—some genetic, some resulting from early childhood trauma or
neglect—are more likely to seek validation through romantic and/or sexual
activity. Being pursued sexually is a way for these women to feel worthwhile,
desirable, wanted, needed, and loved.
- She has enough sex, but craves more intimacy. More so than men, women feel valued and connected
to their relationship partner through non-sexual emotional interaction
such as touching, kissing, cuddling, gift-giving, being remembered, and
most of all via meaningful communication. Women who aren’t getting this
kind of intimacy with a primary partner will sometimes seek it out
elsewhere through sexual/romantic relationships. These same women may also
engage in impulsive and/or addictive behaviours like compulsive overeating
or spending to compensate for the emptiness they feel.
- She wants revenge. A
woman who feels disempowered by her relationship can use sex with someone
else as a way to retaliate. For the woman whose spouse or partner has
broken her trust in any number of ways—cheating, lying, spending a large
amount of money foolishly, etc.—retaliation via outside sex/romance is
sometimes an option.
- She is lonely. Women
who find themselves with a lot of time alone at home while caring for
young children, and also empty nesters, who sometimes feel a lack of
importance and meaning once children are grown and gone, may use affairs
and sexual liaisons to fill the void. Women who have spouses or partners
who are gone for long periods of time for work—they’re in the military,
for instance—may also find themselves using sex and affairs to fill what
feels like an untenable emptiness.
- She is bored to tears. Sometime women miss the excitement of the early,
“honeymoon” stage of a relationship. They crave the dopamine/oxytocin
fueled rush evoked by new romance and the obsessiveness of thinking about
another person 24/7. A healthy, stable relationship, in which intimacy is
built slowly over time, lacks the excitement they crave, so they seek the
“high” of new romance by engaging in affairs.
- She is not having enough sex to suit her specific
needs.Healthy adult women fully enjoy
good sex. They enjoy the physical act as much as men do, and they also
enjoy the feelings of being wanted/needed/desired that partner-sexuality
can evoke. Women are not martyrs; a sexless relationship may not be
acceptable for some, even when the lack of sexual interaction is due to
the male spouse’s medical or related issues.
- She wants out. In
troubled relationships it can be easier to find a fast exit strategy than
to work on an existing partnership. Rather than proactively breaking up,
some women engage a new romantic/sexual partner, thereby giving their
significant other a reason to end it (after learning about the affair).
- She is moving on, but doesn’t want to be alone. If a woman views her current relationship as
over, she may begin one or several new relationships, thereby ensuring
that there is someone waiting in the wings as her committed partner exits.
- She is a sex or relationship addict. Some emotionally troubled women engage in a
constant, never-ending stream of sex and romance (often involving drugs
and/or alcohol) as a means of controlling how they meet their emotional
needs. Such behavioral problems most often are the result of early sexual
trauma and profound abuse that leaves these women unable to be faithful to
a spouse or significant other, even though they may intellectually wish to
do so.
- She expects too much from a long-term, primary
partnership. Some women have
unreasonable expectations about what a long-term spouse or partner should
offer. Narcissistic and emotionally immature, these women expect their
significant other to meet their every single need, while also being
mind-readers in terms of knowing what those needs are. And when their
partner inevitably fails them, they feel justified in seeking attention
elsewhere.
- She lacks women friends. Some women, especially those who have experienced
early maternal abuse or neglect, will dismiss and undervalue their need
for solid, supportive female friendships/community. Instead, these women
will seek to meet their emotional needs through attention from males,
often by having sex and affairs. Other women are seen as competitors to be
devalued, dismissed, or avoided. The attention of men is what matters.
Can the Damage Be Undone?
In
many ways, cheating has become pervasive in modern society, as evidenced to
some extent by the large number of infidelity websites and “friend-finder”
smart-phone apps such as Blendr, Undercover Lovers, and most prominently Ashley
Madison. These sites and apps use technology to unapologetically promote
cheating. In fact, Ashley Madison’s company slogan reads: “Life is Short, Have
an Affair.”
These
websites and apps make cheating easy as finding a good Italian restaurant.
Click the “AM” logo on your smart-phone and the interface instantly display a
grid of pictures of immediately available potential sex partners, utilizing
geo-locating software to show you which potential partners are geographically
closest. (Often they’re within a few hundred feet!) Tapping on a picture
displays a brief profile of that user, along with the option to chat, send
pictures (sext), or share your own location.
If
the interest is mutual, you simply make a plan to meet and have sex. No muss,
no fuss, just the sex thank you very much. No longer does a woman have to risk
rejection in a bar or be vulnerable to a workplace affair—not in this day when
she can geo-locate a willing sex partner with her smart-phone. At last look,
Ashley Madison had more than 14 million members, making it one of the world’s
most popular and financially profitable websites/smart-phone apps. The simple
fact is Ashley Madison and similar companies have successfully utilized modern
technology to monetize infidelity.
Sadly,
some women may not realize how profoundly their secretive sexual or romantic
behavior can affect the long-term emotional life of a trusting spouse or
partner. Betrayal hurts men, too. And, as always, more than any sexual act
itself, it’s the keeping of secrets from an intimate partner and the
resulting breakdown of relationship trust that causes the most damage.
As
is true in most emotionally charged events, there are likely multiple
meanings/issues/reasons behind the choice to engage in affairs and
extra-relational sexual behavior. It often takes the involvement of a skilled
professional to help parse through the layers of a woman’s decision-making to
find the root causes. If a couple chooses to address these concerns together,
marital and couples counseling can for some turn a relationship crisis into a
growth opportunity.
If
the woman in question turns out to have a problem with sex or love addiction,
she will require more specialized individual treatment to address both past
trauma and her adult sexual behavior patterns. Gender separate inpatient
treatment for women sex/relationship addicts is available at The Ranch in Tennessee, and 12-step support can be found at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Unfortunately, even when experienced
therapists are extensively involved with people committed to healing, some
couples are unable to ever regain the necessary sense of trust and emotional
safety required to make it together. For these couples, solid, neutral
relationship therapy can help the individuals involved healthfully process a
long overdue goodbye.
Image source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1405045
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