Deal with Different types of Difficult people Easily
In this weird world We all have
difficult people we need to deal with in our lives on a daily basis. While such
characteristics may be exaggerations, you may find traits of them in a few of
the people in your workplace, amongst your friends, or even a loved one.
Psychological research has suggested several ways of coping with difficult
people in your life, e.g. hostile co-workers or bosses, complainers,
super-agreeables, know-it-all experts, pessimists, and stallers.
Dealing with hostile people
requires both tact and strength. Since persons who feel they have been wronged
are more likely to be belligerent and violent, you should first try to be sure
they have been dealt with fairly.
In addition, it would be wise to
help them meet as many of their needs as possible without reinforcing their
aggressiveness or discriminating in their favor. Likewise, avoid interactions
with them that encourage intense emotions or threats of violence. Certainly do
not interact with your angry “enemies” when they are drinking or carrying
weapons. Say or do nothing that would incite more anger or, on the other hand,
cause you to appear to be scared, weak, and a “pushover.”
In most cases, strong retaliation
against an aggressive person is the worst thing you can do. Nastiness begets
nastiness. Hostility escalates. Threats of punishment may also work. Remember
punishment is only effective while the punisher is observing — watch out for
subtle rebellion.
If you can divert the angry
person’s attention to some meaningful task or a calm discussion of the
situation, the anger should subside. Also, offer him/her any information that
would explain the situation that upsets him/her. Point out similarities or
common interests between him/her and the person they are mad at (you). Let
him/her see or hear about calm, rational ways of resolving differences. Almost
anything that gets him/her thinking about something else will help.
The Institute of Mental Health
Initiatives provide a brief list of ways to calm an angry person: reduce the noise
level, keep calm yourself, acknowledge that the irate person has been wronged
(if true) or, at least, acknowledge their feelings without any judgment, ask
them to explain their situation (so you can tactfully correct errors), listen
to their complaints without counter-attacking, explain your feelings with
non-blaming “I” statements, show that you care but set limits on violence (“I’d
like to work it out with you but I’ll have to call the police if you can’t
control yourself”).
What about the chronic complainers?
They are fault-finding, blaming, and certain about what should be done but they
never seem able to correct the situation by themselves. Often they have a point
— there are real problems — but their complaining is not effective (except it
is designed to prove someone else is responsible).
Coping with complainers involves,
first, listening and asking clarifying questions, even if you feel guilty or
falsely accused. There are several don’ts: don’t agree with the complaints,
don’t apologize (not immediately), and don’t become overly defensive or
counter-attack because this only causes them to restate their complaints more
heatedly. Secondly, as you gather facts, create a problem-solving attitude. Be
serious and supportive. Acknowledge the facts. Get the complaints in writing
and in precise detail; get others, including the complainer, involved in
collecting more data that might lead to a solution. In addition to what is
wrong, ask “What should happen?” If the complainer is unhappy with someone
else, not you, you may want to ask, “Have you told (the complainee) yet?” or
“Can I tell __________?” or “Can I set up a meeting with them?” Thirdly, plan a
specific time to make decisions cooperatively that will help the situation…and
do it.
What about the persons who are
super nice and smilingly agree with your ideas until some action is required,
then they back down or disappear. Such people seek approval. They have learned,
probably as children, that one method for getting “love” is by telling people
(or pretending) you really care for and/or admire them. Similarly, the
super-agreeables will often promise more than they deliver: “I’ll get the
report done today” or “I’d love to help you clean up.” They are experts in
phoniness, so don’t try to “butter them up.”
Instead, reassure the
super-agreeable that you will still like them even if they tell you the truth.
Ask them to be candid and make it easy for them to be frank: “What part of my
plan is okay but not as good as it could be?” Help them avoid making promises
they can’t keep: “Are you sure you can have the money by then? How about two
weeks later?” Tell and show them you value their friendship. Let them know you
are ready to compromise because you know they will be more than fair.
Know-it-all experts are of two
types: the truly competent, productive, self-assured, genuine expert and the
partially informed person pretending to be an expert. Both can be a pain.
The true expert may
act superior and make others feel stupid; they may be bull headed and impatient
with differing opinions; they are often self-reliant, don’t need or want any
help, and don’t want to change. If you are going to deal with the true expert
as an equal, you must do your homework thoroughly; otherwise, they will dismiss
you. First of all, listen to them and accurately paraphrase their points. Don’t
attack their ideas but rather raise questions that suggest alternatives: “Would
you tell me more?” or “What do you think the results will be in five years?”
“It probably isn’t a viable choice but could we consider…?” Secondly, show your
respect for his/her competence but don’t put yourself down. Lastly, if the
expert can not learn to consider others’ ideas, you may be wise to graciously
accept a subordinate role as his/her “helper.” True experts deserve respect.
The pretentious-but-not-real
expert is relatively easy to deal with because he/she (unlike liars or
cons) is often unaware of how little he/she knows. Such a person can be gently
confronted with the facts. Do it when alone with them. Help them save face.
They simply want to be admired.
Another “burden” to any group is
the pessimist –the person who always says, “It won’t work” or “We tried that.”
These angry, bitter people have the power to drag us down because they stir up
the old pool of doubt and disappointment within us. So, first of all, avoid
being sucked into his/her cesspool of hopelessness. Don’t argue with the
pessimist; don’t immediately offer solutions to the difficulties predicted by
the pessimist.
Instead, make optimistic statements
— showing that change is possible — and encourage the group to brainstorm
leading to several possible alternatives. Then ask what are the worst possible consequences
of each alternative (this gives the negativist a chance to do his/her thing but
you can use the gloomy predictions in a constructive, problem-solving way).
Also ask, “What will happen if we do nothing?” Finally, welcome everyone’s help
but be willing to do it alone
because the pessimist won’t volunteer.
Every group has a “staller,” a person who puts off
decisions for fear someone will be unhappy. Unlike the super-agreeable, the
staller is truly interested in being helpful. So, make it easier for him/her to
discuss and make decisions. Try to find out what the staller’s real concerns
are (he/she won’t easily reveal negative opinions of you). Don’t make demands
for quick action. Instead, help the staller examine the facts and make
compromises or develop alternative plans (and decide which ones take priority).
Give the staller reassurance about his/her decision and support the effective
carrying out of the decision.
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Image source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1338872
Image source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1338872
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